Unfinished Love Affairs

Recently a friend of mine just stopped talking to me. And we know in this day and age, not talking is just not limited to literally NOT TALKING. It also means cutting you off on Whatsapp, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and Snapchat (Yes, I use ALL these). Reason? I don't know. I am guessing it's because he got engaged? Another reason? He's not out about his sexuality? Another reason? We have fucked a lot? Another reason? He's had his tongue inside my ass a lot of times? Last time I met him was a couple of months ago. Now, I know you'll say what kind of hoe I am that I strut around the town with my friends licking my ass but let me just clarify that I don't do boundaries. (Lolz) I sometimes hook up with my friends and so far both (or more) parties are mature enough to not ruin the friendship. 

But I am beginning to realize that maybe it is fucking things up. I met this guy almost 2 and a half years back. In a different city. We went out on a date. The date was amazing. We held hands in the car while he was driving. Had coffee. Talked and talked and talked. I was going to leave the city the day after that. The date went so good that we decided to meet again. The next day we roamed around a bit and went over to his place. He has the most amazing body that I have seen. His nipples are so adequately sized that I couldn't get enough of them. I played with them. Ate them. Nibble on them. Licked them. Feasted on them. And his dick. His FUCKING GORGEOUS dick. A true 9 inch dick. Not the stupid size which everybody on Grindr and Planetromeo claims to be (but let's be real ladies, we all know it's only 5 inches with them) but the REAL NINE FUCKING INCHES. In your life, there are some dicks that you come across, who teach you the real meaning of what giving a blowjob means. His was one of those dicks. It tasted good. It smelled good. And the fact that it did not fit in my mouth made me want to try to fit it in my mouth even more. I twisted my tongue around his thick cock and relished the way his waist would shift by the motion of my tongue. I would slide down the skin of his uncircumcised dick with the tip of my tongue and his dick wet inside my mouth would willingly comply. Lord, I wanted that dick. Not only did I lick every inch of his dick but also tasted his strong muscled body. (Now, please don't think I am biased towards those kind of bodies, I like all kinds) And then when we went down on me. FUCK. You know that feeling when in harsh winters, you come home after a long day, take a warm bath and then get into your nice quilt on the bed and just curl up with your head against the pillow and your body temperature just screams out in pleasure. When my dick entered his mouth, it felt like that. My whole body temperature reacted to his warm mouth swallowing my dick deep down his throat. And when I looked down with my legs up in the air and half wrapped around his back and him sucking on to my dick and supporting himself up like he was doing push-ups, my fucking lord, I think then I pre-came even more than I fucking came (later). But wait it is obviously not over yet. Now, a disclaimer. I don't think I have mentioned this before but I do NOT like rimming. I enjoyed them once in my life. But then I saw the Human Centipede movies and it has ruined me for the rest of my life. I can NEVER give rim jobs because of that movie. FUCKING FUCK THAT MOVIE.

Now, trying to get that hard on that I just lost by talking about this movie. Why did I give this disclaimer you ask? Because after he just sucked the soul out of my dick, he proceeded to lift up my legs to give me a rim job. I got super nervous. That movie had fucked me up. Very disturbing images came to my mind. And not surprisingly I lost my erection. He simply asked me 'are you clean?'. I said of course I am. I honestly do NOT know how for half of the people in this world potty is complete without washing it with water. The very idea of only using toilet paper and nothing else disgusts me. It is disgusting. Did I mention that it is absolutely disgusting? Ok, this post is taking a turn. Anyway, back to my point. He proceeded to lick my asshole. And OH MY FUCKING GAGA. I felt things which I never thought I would feel. I did not think my asshole could make me feel that way. I developed a whole new relationship with my asshole that day my friends. And it was this boy's tongue which helped me establish that connection with my asshole. The way his tongue slid in and out of my hole, my dick instantly responded and started regaining that lost glory. He kept moaning while licking my ass and that sight made me moan as well. He kept pushing his tongue inside and I grabbed his hair and pulled. I didn't want him to stop. GOD.FUCKING.DAMN. No man after him has ever eaten my ass like that. We didn't do penetration because he didn't like bottoming and his dick size would have destroyed my ass (even though he made it feel all giggly and slutty).

Fortunately, this was not the only time we hooked up. Whenever I would be in town, we would meet, have very good conversations, eat out and hook up. He is not out to his parents and is a very family person. Always knew that he was going to get his parents find a girl for him and was perfectly fine with it. But that didn't bother me. Because I thought we had reached that level of comfort where we would remain friends. Sex at that point did not matter. It was incredible if it happened. Coincidentally, every time I would come with him, my height of my cum-shot would always break its previous record and his cum ALWAYS would end up in my eyes (which fucking burns like HELL). It is hard to summarize years long moments in few paragraphs but I would still say that he is a great person and very fun to be around. But after he got engaged and cut me off, I have started to realize that I don't think I have the capacity to keep up with mixing my sexual desires within my friendships. Evidently they are not working out. Or the capacity to have to deal with these rejections. Rejections on Grindr are so much easier to deal with. Atleast there is no connection there. 

Another friend who has a steady boyfriend and is in a monogamous relationship has hooked up with me a couple of times. Obviously he has chosen not to tell his boyfriend, and who am I to interfere with that decision. I got to mouth fuck him couple of times and the way he lifts his legs to let my dick slide inside him and hungrily sucks my dick makes me question his 'pure top' role with his boyfriend. But recently he cut me out as well. No reason, no message, no reply. Just like that.

All these instances brought back some memories. I wouldn't say that I don't think about my first sexual experience often. But these instances somehow just forced me to re-live them again. I think I have spoken about it before but only in passing. The first time I touched a dick other than mine was in 9th grade. A boy who used to sit with me had the most gorgeous beard. (come to think of it in 9th fucking grade. Little early for that, don't you think?) I don't really recall how exactly we came around to touching each other's dick. But I was pretty out about being non-hetero with him. And we would casually flirt with each other. One day, we came around to describing each other's dick shape and sizes to each other and he told me that his is a little oddly shaped. Out of curiosity (and obviously out of the fact that I have ALWAYS been hungry for dicks), I jokingly asked him if he could show it to me. Oddly, he said yes. I touched it. Obviously with his pants on. (All this was happening in full class by the way.  But we would have our bags surround us so no one would notice and honestly didn't really care enough if someone did). After few days I asked if I could open the zip of his pants and touch his dick and feel it in my hands. Oddly, he said yes...again. And then after that I had those glorious days where each day I would look forward to going school just so that I could hold his dick in my hands. To gently squeeze his hard dick and feel that oddly shaped cock against the palm of my hand. To feel that thrill of both of us holding each other's dick and caressing it while the teacher would be teaching the entire class with both of us trying to keep a straight face. I would sometimes on purpose raise my hand and ask doubts in class just to make him more nervous and feel proud of doing whatever I was doing in open class. (Bless my good friend who also used to sit with us. He always used to cover us up with his school bag too and never took part in it. He is still a very close friend of mine. I guess some people ARE 'straight' straight) After a while, I gave the first blowjob of my life. Again in a full class, at the last bench. In Mathematics class, Statistics...if I am not wrong....

His dad transferred after 9th grade, I left the city after 10th grade. We lost touch. He stopped responding to my messages in 11th grade. Unfriended me on Facebook. Blocked me later. Yesterday, I asked that same friend (the other guy who sat with us) if I could stalk him from his Facebook account and the amazing friend that he is, he readily complied. I stared at his photographs for a good one hour. Oh god, that beard is even more splendid now. Those brown eyes even more brown. He looks all athletic now. There is a girlfriend I see. They are hugging each other in almost every photo. Fucking couples. Fucking annoying. But look at those arms. Is that a bulge I see in those pants in another photo? I recall that we named his dick 'hook' because of its shape. It must be bigger now. I imagine our friendship cultivating instead of ending. I imagine making him meet my current boyfriend. I imagine shaking hands with his girlfriend and simultaneously sharing a mischievous look with him. I imagine a lot of other things. I imagine that touch...of his dick.... I imagine how glorious his dick felt in my mouth. The first time I had ever taken a dick in my mouth and feeling like I want to do it again and again...and again.

I know that 'that straight boy' is a common narrative for a lot of gay men. Some one who we all have infatuated. And continue to lust after. But what bothers me most is the abruptness to all these moments. The feeling that I could never even reach the peak of my sexual desires with them. To let my body loose with them. And all that HISTORY. That goddamn history with these stupid boys. FAAACCCK. Argh! I wasn't even sure if I wanted to call it 'unfinished'. What do I call something which never got the chance to finish but didn't really start off as something substantial too? 

Anyway, for now, I am just dealing (or not dealing) with this abruptness with these affairs.

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Ah shit. I just sent the hook friend request on Facebook.

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Fuck my life.